Friday, August 18, 2006


I propose we celebrate this lugubrious smattering of sentences' 100th installment with a British Sea Power themed rave party. Come as your favourite BSP song! I would have to come as Carrion, but I’d expect Timmy to go to the effort to comes as A Wooden Horse. Jai could be a Fakir.

There are too many tank tops and not enough tanks on the beach today. There are too many Cons and not enough Air-con. There are too many poor, and not enough porn.
It’s the imbalance that really throws me. It’s the dichotomy of thought, the space between that the Japanese are smart enough to have a word for. It’s the chasm of the afterthought, it’s the dance of the dead impressionist painter; it’s the last Waltz Disney cartoon of our childhood.

Today, we become men. And they shall not tear me down, they can nail me on the mount and they can bury my name under the fires of the forthcoming age, but they cannot bring us backwards!
We will never walk this torn and scuffy road that tells of longing, of infinite choice and of bildungsromon, we will never scream in pain again because they have torn out the child which screams.
I will play all day and all night to no one, and if they had heard surely they would have finally understood and wept for the shaking of change. If they had heard or saw or sensed then it would all be ok, and then other consciousnesses could carry the vacuum-sealed packages of truth which were exposed for the 3:05 of the pop song. But no one heard, and no one saw, because they were huddled around their own camp fires. They were eating their own tortured human flesh. They were their own masters.

Dead Man was on SBS the other night. If you missed it, then you’re just like everyone else, and besides, you wouldn’t have liked it anyway. It’s full of wank.

The vision of Christ that thou dost see is my vision’s greatest enemy.

I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create. - William Blake.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006


Friendship is rare, do you know what I’m sayin to you? Friendship is rare.

So how much of a let down was the census. Here was me, amped and excited, spreading the good word around for the last 6 months, and it was lame. You have a compulsory survey for all Australians only ONCE every five years, and THOSE were the best questions you could come up with!?

Tips for 2011, though I hope not to be round here to fill it out:
  1. Which laws does this person consider unnecessary?

  2. How many sexual partners has this person had?

  3. How many continents has this person visited?

  4. Write a sentence or two describing the person’s demeanor for retrospective examination.

  5. List the 5 most often enjoyed hobbies of the person.

And that’s jut the start of a long list I am compiling for when I’m head of the Bureau of Statistics.

While we’re making lists, here are 5 completely minor household things I noticed this morning that sound startlingly like deeply symbolic management tips:
  1. Cereal first, then milk. You have to do the groundwork in business before the fancy stuff. If you outlay your purchasing power on dressings and sales without adequate product backing, you’re only setting yourself up for disproportionate returns.

  2. Taking a little cold water out of the shower does more than putting in lots of hot. Getting rid of a few people bringing the team down will always make a greater difference than adding a bunch of high-profile hotshots.

  3. When you run out of towels you should wash some. Sometimes it is easy to continually wipe clean the business, but you can never forget that the cleaning system needs to be attended to as well. Anyone can “shower” their corporation with fresh workers and products all the time, but can you sustain this?

  4. If you don’t feed the dog it will die. Every company has a ‘dog’, the offshoot, department or product that doesn’t seem to serve any purpose. It certainly doesn’t create profits, yet you sink money into it anyway. The one thing you know is that if you let the dog die, your little sister company might cry for months. Dogs have no immediate value, but the underlying ties require businesses to maintain them, even when they’re shitting on your furniture.

  5. Using soft toys as slippers feels great until you realize you look like an idiot. It’s easy to make safe and childish moves, but everyone else will think you’re an immature manager. Be prepared for cold, unemotional feet if you want to leave an impression on your clients and the business community.

You can buy my book for just $29.99 when I get around to writing it. :D

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Taxi Poem

I wrote the following poem on a business card and a Gloria Jeans frequent caffeine addict punch-card, in the back of my taxi home last night. Except for the last part, which I wrote on my hand. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and I didn’t have a very nice night, so for posterity and wider appreciation of my inebriated grandeur, Here:

I shall write poetry!
In light of the chase.
And though I shall drink
I shall remain in doubt.
Though I seek that which is not mine
Though I seek that which is not pure
Though I beg at the bough of the forbidden tree
I shall not pursue thee.

Five rules a man must live by!
Lacking Apologies
Fine Dining
Improper Passion
Lonely Success
And Supplementary Substances.

I shall find a key,
To which you shall bear no lock
And upon this lonely dock
I take your departing hand.
Fare well! But let us not good bye,
My forsaken strictured girl.
Be cool! My brother in all but name, looks,
Blood, taste and bond.

I find myself lacking
In the protocol expected from myself.
Lacking in the spirit I require;
I insofar as lack the only thing
I lack. Lack.

Thursday, August 03, 2006


Benjamin stared naked across the suddenly crowded room, completely at a loss for what to do next.
Carey thumped him on the back and began to explain animatedly how the leaving party had taken their leave, and decided to return early for more of the squalor and sorority that the Manor had paid host to the past weeks.
Carey’s girlfriend was still obscured by the rug they had been lying under and was attempting to edge unseen out the other end, without success due to all the people standing on it.
“I thought we still weren’t speaking… after the incident.”
“Oh Benny, you must hardly know me! I knew what I was getting into when I started dating her, and besides, you both promised that was a crazy drunken one-off.”
“Not speaking to you!? Have I ever not spoken to anyone?”
“I suppose not and hey, look! Someone’s throwing up in that suit of armor!”
And indeed they were. Which amused Carey so much he didn’t even notice his naked partner running straight through the crowd and out the door, breasts flapping in the evening breeze. It was an indicator of the kind of evening it was that not many other people noticed either.

Don’t do it everyone! And don’t blooooog with lots of energy or alcohol or hatred or love or anything else or music or your eyes. You gotta blog with your heart! Eyes don’t beat any blood! All they do is see things, but they don’t feel things!b Which is why I’;d lose my eyes before my handsd and an eye before a hand and all. I don’t evgne find it in me to love oyu. Uyou’re everything wrong with stupid everything. And you. And me.
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