Sunday, July 31, 2005

Bred for their special skills in magic.

Hi all. Not feeling like maths study, hence postage.
This is tentatively what the band's album cover should look vaguely like, at leaqst the band actually has a name now. Took enough years. Anyway, with around 25 completed songs and 20 more in stasis, We felt the time to start busting out and laying some of them down for good moight be a noice idea. After November 17th, who knows what could happen.
But until then - Hiatus. stupid learning.

Just for the sake of anyone who's reading this and not actually in the band, i thought i'd give an appetiser by listing my favorite most most disturbing track titles of ours.
#5- Dead Horse Flats
#4- The Pillsbury Doughboy is Dead
#3- That's my sandwich
#2- (proud to be an) Iraqi Citizen
and of course
#1- Hardcore Animal Porn

Chances are that most of them wont be on the album... or maybe they will, who knows...but just the titles themselves should give somekind of a taste as to what the band's like.

My fave book: East of Eden
my fave colour: silver,blue,black and white all marbled together.
my fave chord: Bm
my fave religion: Raelian
my fave robot: Lisa's grammar robot ("sentence fragment is sentence fragment!")
my fave martian: that was such a good show
my fave out-dated tv show: equal tie between Mr. Ed and Lamb Chop.
my fave joke: "A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the bartender giver her one."
my fave drama warm-up: The 'allrighty then' joke from the movie
my fave mystery man: The Blue Rajah. (but credit where due to the waffler. fuck that was gold.)

(or the most useless part of the bible why did they devote 4 and a half pages to this???)
This can call be found in Exodus 25-28. (yes 4 fuckin chapters.) But I've only included a little extract just for the taste. I have finally finally proven why no one reads the bible and why if god really does exist, he's a dick.
Plus, if he does exist, we're all screwed becuase i'll bet your tabernacle doesn't look like this.

Make this tabernacle and all its furnishings exactly like the pattern I will show you.
The Tabernacle 1 "Make the tabernacle with ten curtains of finely twisted linen and blue, purple and scarlet yarn, with cherubim worked into them by a skilled craftsman. 2 All the curtains are to be the same size—twenty-eight cubits long and four cubits wide. [a] 3 Join five of the curtains together, and do the same with the other five. 4 Make loops of blue material along the edge of the end curtain in one set, and do the same with the end curtain in the other set. 5 Make fifty loops on one curtain and fifty loops on the end curtain of the other set, with the loops opposite each other. 6 Then make fifty gold clasps and use them to fasten the curtains together so that the tabernacle is a unit.
7 "Make curtains of goat hair for the tent over the tabernacle—eleven altogether. 8 All eleven curtains are to be the same size—thirty cubits long and four cubits wide. [b] 9 Join five of the curtains together into one set and the other six into another set. Fold the sixth curtain double at the front of the tent. 10 Make fifty loops along the edge of the end curtain in one set and also along the edge of the end curtain in the other set. 11 Then make fifty bronze clasps and put them in the loops to fasten the tent together as a unit. 12 As for the additional length of the tent curtains, the half curtain that is left over is to hang down at the rear of the tabernacle. 13 The tent curtains will be a cubit [c] longer on both sides; what is left will hang over the sides of the tabernacle so as to cover it. 14 Make for the tent a covering of ram skins dyed red, and over that a covering of hides of sea cows. [d]
15 "Make upright frames of acacia wood for the tabernacle. 16 Each frame is to be ten cubits long and a cubit and a half wide, [e] 17 with two projections set parallel to each other. Make all the frames of the tabernacle in this way. 18 Make twenty frames for the south side of the tabernacle 19 and make forty silver bases to go under them—two bases for each frame, one under each projection. 20 For the other side, the north side of the tabernacle, make twenty frames 21 and forty silver bases—two under each frame. 22 Make six frames for the far end, that is, the west end of the tabernacle, 23 and make two frames for the corners at the far end. 24 At these two corners they must be double from the bottom all the way to the top, and fitted into a single ring; both shall be like that. 25 So there will be eight frames and sixteen silver bases—two under each frame.
26 "Also make crossbars of acacia wood: five for the frames on one side of the tabernacle, 27 five for those on the other side, and five for the frames on the west, at the far end of the tabernacle. 28 The center crossbar is to extend from end to end at the middle of the frames. 29 Overlay the frames with gold and make gold rings to hold the crossbars. Also overlay the crossbars with gold.
30 "Set up the tabernacle according to the plan shown you on the mountain.
31 "Make a curtain of blue, purple and scarlet yarn and finely twisted linen, with cherubim worked into it by a skilled craftsman. 32 Hang it with gold hooks on four posts of acacia wood overlaid with gold and standing on four silver bases. 33 Hang the curtain from the clasps and place the ark of the Testimony behind the curtain. The curtain will separate the Holy Place from the Most Holy Place. 34 Put the atonement cover on the ark of the Testimony in the Most Holy Place. 35 Place the table outside the curtain on the north side of the tabernacle and put the lampstand opposite it on the south side.
36 "For the entrance to the tent make a curtain of blue, purple and scarlet yarn and finely twisted linen—the work of an embroiderer. 37 Make gold hooks for this curtain and five posts of acacia wood overlaid with gold. And cast five bronze bases for them.
Make this tabernacle and all its furnishings exactly like the pattern.

Just thought you might like to read that. I'll bet you 10 bucks that they never take a shitty little "inspirational verse of the day" from that!

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Puzzlement, bordering on alarm.

I have been having my ass worked off. It's even more painful than it sounds. Stupid TEE. I wish there was more golf tee and less soul crushingly dumb TEE.

1) saw Sin City the other day. MORE than makes up for the chronic dissapointment i felt viewing war of the worlds. Go see it. It's soooo cleverly done, so brillinatly cast, shot, thought out, and not to mention frank Miller's original wonderful graphic novels that so fucking perfectly provided the script. It's worth going to see if for no other reason, the guy who gets impaled with an arrow and his reaction. Or perhaps the line "Which i'm worse at than a palsy victim performing brain surgery with a wrench"

2) Going to hyperwinterfest next sunday. That should be soo good. Frenzel, shihad, the fuzz. ALL FOR $6. oh man it's gonna be cool. i havnt been to a concert since the last rockit. damn missing REM! i'll kill that lack of tickets good!

3) Art camp was fun. very left brain. we painty purdy pitchas.

sex dynamite rabbithole scandal cock and hitler until next time chums.
rock ur little xox.

Sunday, July 17, 2005


Here are 8 continuity errors i noticed whilst watching War of the Worlds a few hours ago. If you have more, which i'm sure you do, comment and we'll e-mail Tom Cruise.

8) Tom has dust on self. Tom washes face for 2 seconds. Tom no longer has dust anywhere and next scene is not wet.

7) Dakota Fanning's character uses shoe as decoy for aliens. Leaves shoe there. Then is seen runnign with (to quote the cat empire) Two Shoes.

6) Electro-Magnetic Pulse manages to knock out Tom's watch. Tom's mechanical, analogue watch. If battery was affected, how come his battery powered torch worked fine? Or the car battery?

5) Many robots shown. Tom + random army guy blow up one robot. WHERE THE FUCK ARE ALL THE OTHER ROBOTS?!

4) Tom looks out on endless landscape of human blood, guts and general turmoil. Within one day's walking distance Tom is in Boston, walking with many other randomly lucky improbable survivors. No guts ANYWHERE.

3) Tom walks through newly re-gut-covered boston, which is now flaking off and drying obviosuly symbolizing the sickness of the robots. Robot dies. WHERE ARE ALL THE OTHER FUCKING ROBOTS PEOPLE? Assumingly head robot. why was the head robot in Boston???????????? that's plausible. BUT after robot dies, ALL OF THE DECAYING BOSTON GUTS MAGICALLY DISAPPEAR AND TURN INTO ROMANTIC LEAFY STREETS UNHARMED!!!!!!!!!!??????????? WTF????????


1) And my number one continuity gripe with war of the worlds is : If the aliens have been studying our species for over A MILLION YEARS and have taken the time to go down to earth and bury said enormous robots, HOW THE FUCK COULD THEY NOT KNOW ABOUT THE LAME-ASS BACTERIA KILLING ENDING???????????????

all my love readers. <3

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Crazy Muder Spree

Please. Please Please Please add a comment with your name and hate filled message abusing this wanker:
I want to see you release your hate. IT'S A FUCK FUCK FUCK WIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or in the eternal words of Tom Cruise : "You're a jerk...jerk... a jerk"

Friday, July 01, 2005

Buying a bed

I don't know if my dear readership has seen the rather droll Monty Python sketch entitled "Buying a bed" in which various pythons attempt to purchase a bed from various other pythons with hilarious results, but the EXACT same thing happened to me today.

If you have, you'll know that Mr Lambert and Mr Can'trememberthebastard'sname (not real name) have many peculiar habits like how they always say 10 times the number they mean, or somesuch, and then Mr Lambert puts a bucket on his head. WELL! I was in Ikea - lovable, beautiful swedish sexy store - when this sales assistent who actually was from Sweden (!) rocks up and starts using all this terminology to describe the sofa bed I wanted. Anyhoo, if you've been to Ikea (or sweden) you'll know that they speak a completely different language and this makes it stupid.
FOR EXAMPLE: The pillow I wanted was of the brand "Beddinge" and then matress "Linnenex." So I've got this bloody swede talking about bedding and linen and I'm all "no, i'd like to buy a bed please," "ya ya, you be wanting linnenex and beddinge" "NO Damnit! I want something to sleep on!" (sales assistent 2)- "when she says Linnenex, she means bed." "oh. Well wouldn't it be easier to say bed?" "not in sweden" "how many swedish people do you see here?" *points at sales assistent 1* *I lose argument.*

In other news I made my own pair of metrosexual pants today. Not only was it fun, buty practical, as I have to wear them to a costume partay tomorrow night. I'm such a Yves Saint Lauren. That's right sweden! I can spell Yves!

Well, after months of badgering the deputy headmaster, he finally gave in to my demands and cancelled school for two weeks. My spirits were high until someone pointed out they coincided with the already scheduled holidays. We will be having a discussion.
What it means though is that I now have 15 days in which to 1) surf, 2) draw things, 3) finish my art project, 4) finish my drama project, 5) have many band rehearsals 6) sleep on my new bed 7) read this book called Broken Lives and with all other available time, learn Swahili. You think I'm kidding but that's because I am. Still... it's an interesting concept. I might. I just might.

Did you know that according to a link i found on , 84% of polled people wold rather be in a dark, confined space alone, than in a well lit room with michael jackson. I'M SORRY? He's the goddam king of pop! Who wouldn't want to meet michael jackson!? Who did they poll? 20 000 argentinian 11 year olds? I'd love to talk to him. It'd be like talking to an alien. Which I also intend to do.

I have a sudden, and unquashable urge for Jelly. god i'd like some jelly. But there is none...

Back. I wnet to the kitchen to find a substitute and there was only plum jam. EWWW. never, never eat without toast/other carbs. It had the consistency and colour of afterbirth.

Quick breakdown of Get Behind Me Satan, which I might edit a bit later, a la my Hey There Bomb review.

1) Blue Orchid : New and also old. Blue Orchid is one of the few songs on this album that could really fit in any of the 'Stripes back catalogue. It has punchy guitars, punchy, very meg sounding drums, and a hook that could have come off Elephant. I think what's powerful about this short number is the accusatory tragedy within the chorus lyrics. "You got a reaction didn't you?" The flower metaphors and the scientific bent, coupled with the raw hate in jack's voice make this opener a stand out track and a fine first single.

2) The Nurse: The new and old mix did not last for very long. Here we see the kind of track the band usually stick around number 8, or as the last track, complete with marimba intro and experimental drum attacks. But as is the way of the White "siblings", they make it work. The simple instrumentation adds to the dark of the song, and the utterly, utterly amazing lyrical ability comes through. Jack keeps getting weirder and more country with his music, but is continuing to push himself in songwriting, so that the rock tone, and the stuff the band was built on is still there, despite the serious lack of driving guitar. The Nurse is weird, but not downhill weird like Revolution 9, uphill weird.

3) My Doorbell: And then just when you thought it had all gone down the drain, along comes the old school sound, the simple hook, simple strightfoward songwriting of albums past. Not sure if this song really fits on Satan, it's very trad. white stripes, but the familiarity of it makes a nice reassuring touch after the climatic finish to The Nurse. I'm disappointed this album wasn't released on vinyl like Elephant, because I think that really helped us better understand the structure of the album. Songs were grouped according to sides, and My Doorbell is really the end of side one, the intro of the album. The tone is set, some weird, some the same as always, but it's a strong exposition and an instant radio player despite being basic and repetitious.

4) Forever for Her (Is Over for Me) There are three song titles on this album that i just love, actual song regardless and this is one of them. What a great phrase. it highlights jacks ability for pseudo rhyme, alliteration and assonance, bloody everything. He's so damn good. Just in that one sentence fragment sums up why i love jack's writing. And then the actual song begins and it's even better. Jumpy, laid back, somehow deeply, almost humourously sad, this track is awesome. Just simply put "if i knew what to do then I'd do it," sums up so many people's attitudes to relationships mine included and it's very smoothly integrated. This song just flows over me and it's one of the best on the record. It's fluid, maintains their indie sound but is also radio playable and makes me smile. Definately a classic.

5) Little Ghost: Catchiest, tackyest chorus since Hotel Yorba, Little Ghost pumps with country quick country-mocking rythm and drawl, and simultaneously makes fun of the genre and falls into all it's categories. It's got metaphors all over the place and the first instance of one of this albums two repeated symbols - ghosts. Sharp and short White once again proves that they wear those awful, awful tassel jackets for a reason.

6) The Denial Twist: I cannot convey how much I love this song. BEST SONG ON THE WHOLE ALBUM. It's got a very distinct feel to it, with new and interesting twists. This sounds like everything and nothing they've done before which is an amazing achievement, replicated by most of the rest of the album. It's got great singalong lyrics, it's short, clean and has a balance of guitar, piano and drum sounds, and is just all round an unfound smash hit. Plus, i've discovered it's very, very, danceable to.

7) White Moon: Good opening verse. I feel like this is a bit of a dragging track though , it tries and has a good little piano riff, but it's just one quiet whimsy song too many. I do like the drum risings at the ends of lines, but what can I say, it's good, but we're in the thick of the album now and to be perfectly honest the average listener tunes out right about here on records and this song helps.

8) Instinct Blues: One of Meg's little forays into singing, they are usually wonderful and a little scary and this is no exception. That said it's very interesting. These types of short songs, or often instrumentals, I've been seeing a lot in albums lately, it appears to be a sub-fad that's really taking off and I must say I enjoy it. The ears need a break sometimes, the mind needs a rest, and whilst all of them can be looked into much more, they are delightful when placed well. Good examples - REM and Eliott Smith.

9) Passive Manipulation: Finally!!! Something harder! It took them much longer than usual to reach their tougher rock roots, but here it is, and it sounds great. Like on Button to Button, we can hear real musical flair and pop catchiness inside the fuzz. This is fantastic. It's full on, but so great and meaningful. I want him to start yelling out some Zac De La Rocha lines.

10) Take, Take Take: It's a great song... now doubt about it. But it's just that... well... I dunno... the whole thing lets me down a little. Jack's been building up this Rita Hayworth stuff for a while now (major symbol #2, people) and when he gets to Take Take Take it feels much much more forced than other tracks. The themes are still powerful, they just aren't veiled in the usual great song lines a la Blue Orchid. That said I think playing the music whilst singing at the same time must almost kill jack. It's syncopated like a fox.

11) As Ugly As I Seem: This is song title number 2 that I absolutely adore. It's just great. Unfortunately I don't like the song very much. Personal opinion though. I get to this part of almost every album and keep finding that the artists put their slow songs, like this there. Nightswimming is on Automatic for the People, Raining in Baltimore is on August and Everything After, Coldplay's latesat album, Kings of Leon's latest album, Even Nick Cave's abbatoir blues... this is the part of the record that always is slow where I want it to be fast. Fast and catchy, bringing me to a climax before a slow, outgoing last song. Instead, i keep getting these lesser songs, not quite good enough to go in the early stuff, relegated to the dark park where the ugly animals play. Good name, but i'd take this song out.

12) Red Rain: This song is to die for. Don't take my word for it. You have to hear it for yourself. It's sooooo..... good. Even the title evokes scenes of beautiful horror, simple hell drawn out on guitars. the best way to describe this song is Aesthetic Pain.

13) I'm Lonely (But I ain't that lonely yet): In case you couldn't guess, this is the other title I just fell for. And it's a great song. Just absolutely perfect. The White Stripes REALLY know how to end an album (Your Southern Can Is Mine, Well It's True That We Love One Another) and they don't break a good trend now. Why I like it so much is that It feels like a cover version. It sounds so much like Jack doing a great, innuendo laden mix up of a country classic, but it's all new gold. Just a plain great song that I don't doubt will be covered in the future by many other people. This is the quiet let down I want, and I like it. The album leaves me kind of darkened, but smiling and content that there's a lot to be said for alcoholic cynicism.

4 and 1/2 stars.
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