Friday, June 02, 2006

I failed, by the way.

I said I’m sorry to Maria for all the cold hearted things that I have done.

I’m actually kind of proud of all the cold hearted things that I have done. I know a lot of people who disagree. I’m guilty with lack of guilt.
So I’m watching Four Weddings and a Funeral… forgot how good that movie was, back when Hugh Grant was still good looking and funny. Tempus fugit. What it got me to thinking was that I have attended, and only attended, exactly that. Four weddings and one funeral. That’s not to say I haven’t known more than one person to die, just that… I’ve only ever been to one funeral. I didn’t go to my grandmother’s and I can’t remember why. That’s now really troubling me. Sorry, I’m lying through my teeth. That’s not troubling me at all. I was about 9. It troubles me as much as a stubbed toe that year. I probably cried more over the toe. Oh my god I’ve never cried over a dead person. How odd. I’ve cried over much much stupider things. Maybe I should. I cried over a dead bird. And a dead fish. I HATE fish, but I still cried when mine died. And yet dead people… don’t… oh wow. I should stop thinking about that, It’s creeping me out a wee tad with the extent of my own massive heartlessness. It’s in a different place.
Look, I’m tearing up over this movie right now because it’s going all unrequited love one me, and there’s a terribly lonely speech. But all those dead grandparents, good night.
So yeah, four weddings and a funeral. The only vaguely interesting wedding was my uncle, who actually did the whole kilt thing. This is getting very ironic. Then I went to one just because a friend of mine was singing, and much respect to that. The actual people were almost delightful irrelevant though, and even had the little pastoral symphonic music playing the cliché as they walked down the aisle. Another was outdoors, and had those white plastic chairs with lattice backs… wow, weddings are so tremendously predictably uniform. How shocking. It’s like those townhouses all the same, painted different shades of the same colour, and with a different shaped door, because “each is individual”. Jack White has the right idea though… canoes all the way. Then technically there was my parents, but I’m too young to remember that.
As depraved as this may sound to people who don’t know me, and in fact, to most of those who do, I’m really looking forward to someone dying who’s close enough to me that I can give a speech. I think, if anyone was analyzing my character, that’s a good quote. Just saying. Everyone seems to find death powerful.
Chance encounters that wind us all around each other, and little missed opportunities that kick you in the face much later. Or there and then. Things fall apart, the center cannot hold. But Hold Steady, world. Hold still while I caress you.

I’m sorry, for all the cold hearted things that I have done. But I had to do them. And I would and will again.

I hope, one day, someone will have the courage to return the favour. And mean it.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

that was an awesome post. kudos (because kudos is the koolest five-letter word you can find). apart from claps. or klaps. k.kk.kkkkkkkk.k.

June 03, 2006 12:16 AM  

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