A Change of Perspective
Some quickly scrawled words by Flo Vale, transcribed (as accurately as possible) after being found on the floor behind my couch, written sometime in mid-late June, 2001.
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I’ve got to focus. Dial – no, direct my enforce. Forcing. If I can direct all of my horses then I can recover. I can be the greatest girl for my man. Fuck that, I need to grab back onto myself girl! When did I fall down into the back of this road trip? When did I lose everything that is a part of me, who the fuck took away my liberty?
I am trying not to blame Louis, because if I only know one thing and lately I ben so fucked up I just only might, it’s not him. If I was even a quarter of the me that I am I would know when I’ve been given a chance like no one ever gives four times me chances. I sure know too that if I didn’t feel so comfortable, so warm, with him, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be driving or not driving and curled and some lucid and confused about to cry in the back seat of Jackson’s car. I’d be some on shitty stretch of dirt or in some rich coked out cocktail bar wearing less fucked up makeup and no wait, more fucked up makeup, and I’d be dismal and alone and I’d be free though. But I know for sure it not ain’t Lou. I fucken love him, I fuckign love him so damn much, he makes me feel like I don’t even have to love him at all.
Like he’s so mad. He’s so carefree, he only seems to care about Mikey sometimes but I love it. I know he sees in me more than anything he’s ever seen in anyone before and I feel amazing. Lou’s got it though, Lou’s bugged and bitched I know it, he’s caught it under, he HAS TO BESOMEONE. I know it ain’t Louis that’s keeping me trapped and crazy here these days, it’s all these others. It’s his people. Sure they make him into something in this own little own world way but it isno’t what he could be at all. Lou could be free like me. He could be me, only why the fuck does he need these people? Why the fuck does he even look at Michael? I’m so damn gorgeous for crying sakes XI what the fuck, god I’,m a mad wreck. Mes mess mess. I finally accidentally meet some guy who doesn’t bore the life shit of me and of course his world does, and my life does, and what the fuck anything else is worse. I never want to throw myself away just for the fucking sake of it again. I’m gonna be sso free and with Louis. I’ve got to make it out like Brwekafast at Tiffany’s the movie not the book,. Cus for me, the it isn’t really about ever getting away to my fucking little hut, I want that but it’s a failure, for me it’s about finding that fucking hut somewhere glitzy. I need to win, and part of winning inside of me is being genuinely able to feel. Sure like the song says there’s no success like failure, but failure;s no suck sess at all. Both parts of that statement are important. NB: Don’t ignore both parts.
Actually know, thos It’s actually like that song by that disco band. You know that’s like hye hey hey! And there’s this line like “Manhattan was long ago”. Man that is so true. Who knows what I have to do? There are parts of me that were long ago. But now I am now and I am doing everything I can. Now Flo, look at me I you look, I am now, I am now and I am doing everything I can. And I will do anything.
----
I guess if I’d known her better, maybe if I’d truly cared about her more, I might have seen this. But we all wrote so much at the time, we were always writing… And wait that’s a lie. I couldn’t have cared about her more those days, and I certainly couldn’t have known her better. I know her so well today, we have been through so much, I feel like a part of her. When I found this, it felt like life taking a chisel to that part of me. I had forgotten what Flo did for me, and in turn what I had to do for her. I had to love her like the world was on fire just for us.
This whole trip, our whole lives, were and must remain about what we can do for, to and with others. This letter is one of only two things on my desk shelf right now.
----
I’ve got to focus. Dial – no, direct my enforce. Forcing. If I can direct all of my horses then I can recover. I can be the greatest girl for my man. Fuck that, I need to grab back onto myself girl! When did I fall down into the back of this road trip? When did I lose everything that is a part of me, who the fuck took away my liberty?
I am trying not to blame Louis, because if I only know one thing and lately I ben so fucked up I just only might, it’s not him. If I was even a quarter of the me that I am I would know when I’ve been given a chance like no one ever gives four times me chances. I sure know too that if I didn’t feel so comfortable, so warm, with him, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be driving or not driving and curled and some lucid and confused about to cry in the back seat of Jackson’s car. I’d be some on shitty stretch of dirt or in some rich coked out cocktail bar wearing less fucked up makeup and no wait, more fucked up makeup, and I’d be dismal and alone and I’d be free though. But I know for sure it not ain’t Lou. I fucken love him, I fuckign love him so damn much, he makes me feel like I don’t even have to love him at all.
Like he’s so mad. He’s so carefree, he only seems to care about Mikey sometimes but I love it. I know he sees in me more than anything he’s ever seen in anyone before and I feel amazing. Lou’s got it though, Lou’s bugged and bitched I know it, he’s caught it under, he HAS TO BESOMEONE. I know it ain’t Louis that’s keeping me trapped and crazy here these days, it’s all these others. It’s his people. Sure they make him into something in this own little own world way but it isno’t what he could be at all. Lou could be free like me. He could be me, only why the fuck does he need these people? Why the fuck does he even look at Michael? I’m so damn gorgeous for crying sakes XI what the fuck, god I’,m a mad wreck. Mes mess mess. I finally accidentally meet some guy who doesn’t bore the life shit of me and of course his world does, and my life does, and what the fuck anything else is worse. I never want to throw myself away just for the fucking sake of it again. I’m gonna be sso free and with Louis. I’ve got to make it out like Brwekafast at Tiffany’s the movie not the book,. Cus for me, the it isn’t really about ever getting away to my fucking little hut, I want that but it’s a failure, for me it’s about finding that fucking hut somewhere glitzy. I need to win, and part of winning inside of me is being genuinely able to feel. Sure like the song says there’s no success like failure, but failure;s no suck sess at all. Both parts of that statement are important. NB: Don’t ignore both parts.
Actually know, thos It’s actually like that song by that disco band. You know that’s like hye hey hey! And there’s this line like “Manhattan was long ago”. Man that is so true. Who knows what I have to do? There are parts of me that were long ago. But now I am now and I am doing everything I can. Now Flo, look at me I you look, I am now, I am now and I am doing everything I can. And I will do anything.
----
I guess if I’d known her better, maybe if I’d truly cared about her more, I might have seen this. But we all wrote so much at the time, we were always writing… And wait that’s a lie. I couldn’t have cared about her more those days, and I certainly couldn’t have known her better. I know her so well today, we have been through so much, I feel like a part of her. When I found this, it felt like life taking a chisel to that part of me. I had forgotten what Flo did for me, and in turn what I had to do for her. I had to love her like the world was on fire just for us.
This whole trip, our whole lives, were and must remain about what we can do for, to and with others. This letter is one of only two things on my desk shelf right now.
posted by Cal Samson at 10:40 PM
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